'You Used To Be Hot'

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Somebody told me once that

I used to be hot.

We were at a wedding

and I ran into someone that I hadn’t seen in years

and I asked him

‘Do you remember me? I used to work at the bank with your wife.’

And he answered

‘Oh, yeah! I remember you! You were hot!’

(Side note: I’m still hot today — it’s just that now it comes in FLASHES!)

Then there was the time I took our dog to a vet

that I hadn’t gone to for a very long time and

I asked him,

‘Hey, do you remember when my puppy had rabies?’ (Another story I’ll tell you sometime!)

And he says

‘Yes, I remember well!’

And he turns to his assistant and tells him,

‘About 20 years ago, Kim was a knockout’

then he turns to me and says ‘now, don’t get me wrong — you’re still a beautiful woman’

then back to the assistant, ‘but back then, whenever she came in, all the other vets in the building would come in and act like they were examining her dog but they were really checking her out...’

(Hmmmm… maybe I should’ve spent a little more time on my hair that day…)

And recently I was at a party and someone told me

she remembered me from high school

and ‘you were so beautiful’.

Ahhh, I remember those days —

you know, the days when it didn’t take any effort —

I slept in my makeup,

never used moisturizer and

never wore sunscreen.

I’d never heard of nasolabial folds or pre-jowl sulcus,

everything was where it was supposed to be

and I wasn’t afraid to sneeze in public.

But then I blinked

and somehow, overnight it seems that

my hair has migrated from my head, eyebrows and eyelashes

to the lower half of my face

in the form of peach fuzz

and rogue gray hairs

that pop out of my chin just to spite me.

My hands have spots

and my fingers are starting to go sideways at the knuckles.

Now I know that ‘OLD is the goal’

but I’m here to tell ya —

it is definitely not for sissies!

But lucky for me, today I’ve got my retinol, eyelash serum, Crest white strips, Kegels, root touchup, SPF 50, plumping lip gloss, strength training, hyaluronic acid, hair growth serum, calcium, face yoga, dry eye drops, and arthritis cream all to help me be my best self.

Or maybe

I should just stop asking people

if they remember me…

LET’S GO SHOPPING